Huge shout out to ma homie for puttin me up on Phill Wade’s Flex Rmx on Youtube. He ‘s hilariously funny and sooo talented. I fell in love after one video and watched them as I typed up a paper in a lab. I look forward to seeing more from him!!
Check him out at www.phillwade.com
See He is mine and I am His it doesn’t matter what I did…He only sees me for who I am………. Last semester my friend told me to listen to Marvin Sapp’s He Saw the Best in Me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgwt-UhPhhs Wonderful song. That finally got me to break into tears earlier. I needed a release. I’ve been so stressed lately. Just the pressure to do well in school, just to do what I need to do, and look good doing it. Feels good.
I love this song and I truly love my friend for texting me to listen to this song because I needed it at the time. There’s nothing like having a friend who hits you up at the right time. Telling you exactly what you needed to hear. God is so good and I thank Him for putting incredible people into my life…
It’s been my dream to graduate from college. I always wanted to be an intellectual. But I’ve learned that college doesn’t make me any smarter. That’s just a piece of paper I need to move along. Life has made me smarter. It certainly will never make me better than anyone I meet on the streets. Christ has made me stronger. So when I do graduate in May 2011 it is not only a triumph for me. But for everyone who has been there with me. I’ve lost incredible people during my college career.(R.I.P.) But I have also met amazing people. The amount of joy and appreciation I have in my heart is impossible to express on a blog on a piece of paper or to even attempt to utter. All I can do is share what has been given to me with others.
Work hard….be honest….be genuine….even when you feel like crap…try your best to look presentable and put a smile on your face. No matter what you’re going through it could always be worse. Be grateful for everythig you have. Do not let others steal your joy. I’ve realized that people wanna know how on my mother’s salary, my mother has 2 daughters in college. She’s in grad school, and my youngest will be on her way soon enough. Nothing but the grace of God. We came from nothing. Everything I am comes from God. It comes from my mother. But I posess a quality that many lack. Heart. I have the heart the will to do what I want, and no barrier can stop me. If money is the biggest of your problems, then you can do it. This green paper means nothing to God. If you are meant to do something. You will do it. The best The best The best the best. HE SAW THE BEST IN ME.
I have a fuckin school girl crush. This is shameful. When I see him I go the other way. Lol it’s funny because I was entertaining him/ half joking with him since last semester. And now. It just seems like something that needs to be done. LOL 22 with a fucking crush. I feel like socially I have taken a few steps back because I have been feeling a little sy around guys lately. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! Iono but I know I got the juice. Pauseyyy < Not so much.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and my past; how it affects my future and the way I deal with people now. PAIN is weakness escaping the body, PAIN is temporary, a four letter word that is such a heavy weigh to carry. Instead of dealing with the pain upfront I’ve stored it away swept it right under the rug. And me actually believing that I can “control” what happens to me I deal with it on my own time… and how I do the same with people…
Everyone has their own way of releasing pain healthy and unhealthy…I believe sleeping and eating were ways I coped with it as a teen as well as bashing myself. Its like the pain and emotions as well as new ones just become overwhelming. Talking to a doctor, friend, writing, dancing, playing a sport, cutting, purging, drinking, eating, even hurting others are all ways to try to “control” our own emotions. I don’t judge people because I’ve been real low before to the point I didn’t want to be alive…Not many people know that about me..I’ve learned to put on a good face and keep it pushing but inside I was hurting. Maybe because I know life goes on..or because something way better than all this bullshit I’m dealing with is coming to me.
Over time I’ve built my confidence up and have continued to develop as a person. We all have our down days…sometimes I just wanna go in a corner and just hide there all day..and most of the time I can’t. Recently I’ve realized I have trust issues 0_o fuck my life… Well the last two dudes I had feelings for ended up still being in love with their ex’es and even getting back with them (fuckers)I took my time to “get over it” but When I think about it shit still hurts. One I loved one I didn’t. Mind you we all make mistakes but my thing is if I was still in love I know how I am. I’m not gonna try to get involved with someone else to try to “forget” that one. I guess it just hurts that I was a fucking rebound twice in a row. When I know I’m so much better than that. I know that what I have is rare and that not just anyone deserves what I have to give because I damn sure have not received anything that looks like what I have in return. I learned that sex is so overrated…I love it but I just can’t be doing it with just anyone because if my emotions aren’t in it chances are you’ll be cut off and looked at like another stranger in the street. Also to trust my instinct. It’s easy to say some shit but to live it is real. To put myself in a position where I have to trust someone is overwhelming still… I dunno I thought I was ready..Guess I’m kinda stuck right now…and it would be best to play it SAFE.
So I was browsing through Black Voices on AOL looking at different topics and saw a story on Essence Magazine (I love that Mag) with Naomi Campbell (luv her), Iman (dope), and Liya Kebede. I’m thinking who the hell is that? (I’m no fashionista but I figured if she’s on the cover with them she has to be pretty big) Did a little research…and yeah lol. She’s kinda gorgeous too. Born and raised in Ethiopia maternal health advocate, clothing designer and actress. Kebede has been seen on the covers of Italian, Japanese, American, French and Spanish Vogue, V, Flair, i-D, and Time’s Style & Design. Kebede has been featured in ad campaigns including those for Gap, Yves Saint-Laurent, Victoria’s Secret, Emanuel Ungaro, Tommy Hilfiger, Revlon, Dolce & Gabbana, Escada and Louis Vuitton. In 2003, Kebede was named the newest face of Estée Laudercosmetics, the first Ethiopian to serve as their representative in the company’s 57-year history. Kebede was eleventh-highest-paid top model in the world in 2007 (Do It).
Philantropy-
Now what makes Liya sand out to me is her commitment to serving other primarily- children. Sheserves as the WHO’s Ambassador for Maternal, Newborn and Child Health. She then founded the Liya Kebede Foundation, whose mission is to reduce maternal, newborn and child mortality in Ethiopia and around the world. The Foundation funds advocacy and awareness raising projects as well as providing direct support for low-cost technologies, community-based education, and training and medical programs. In 2009, Liya worked with the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation as part of their Living Proof Project. Liya also writes for Huffington Post about maternal and child health and has been featured in Vogue and on the Daily Beast. She is also part of the Champions for an HIV Free Generation, an organization of African leaders led by former Botswana President Festus Mogae. The Champions advocate for increased HIV prevention and treatment efforts in Africa<——-Awesome!!!!
Liya is a supermodel, a mother, a wife, a philanthropist, an actress, and last but certainly not least A PHENOMENAL WOMAN!
Sooo before I head out and unwind…. I noticed I do some dumb shit. Always have. I kinda just sweep my pain under a rug and deal with it when I’ ready to. NOT a good idea then when I spazz I’m looked at like I’m crazy…I’m trying to change and just take one situation at a time but it sucks then I’m walking around upset and not knowing why…oh yeah that.
I’m pretty much at a stage where I’m living, schooling, making money, having fun, and exploring what life has to offer…what else can one do at 22? I have a couple things I wanna talk about but I gotta get outta here I’ll save the topic I originally wanted to talk about for later. Crazy day lots of emotions…
I’m the type of person who doesn’t do things for the hell of it. I like meaning behind shit. Relationships: don’t call me ya girl and you banging everyone and you don’t want me! Friendship: soooo if we’re supposed to be best friends….I’m not your friend for the sake of wearing the other half of a chain. I’m supposed to be there through good and bad times to pick you up laugh and cry and grow with. Let’s not waste anymore time; if you can’t handle what I say to you or want my advice go head. I definitely wouldn’t want a friend where I don’t value the shit you have to say lmao… Like I’m honestly pissed but fuck it life goes on and ONE MONKEY AIN’T EVER STOP MY SHOW!!!!!!!!
Yes I watch the Maury show to feel better about myself!!!!!!!!!!! Lol you should too! Stay away from those trife men/women and work on yourself. After watching Maury I’m like you know what let me go to class and endure this wack ass professor and annoying ass classmates because I could be standing in line for a welfare check with some bad snotty nosed children with no man in sight! Fuckkkk That!!!! But you know what: you don’t even have to watch Maury to be motivated…you could look around your space or even walk the streets during the day. That right there is motivation. If you’ve ever been on the streets during the day you know that only crazy, homeless, or jobless people are walking around the streets or on the bus…. I be like DAMN lemme get my ass back to school ASAP lol. Real talk. Alsoooo I don’t feel bad for these black guyswho get cheated on by white women. Lol should of found yourself a black queen (like me) Granted you love who you love, but I know how it is….now them beige kids aint yours POWWW
Sometimes school is sooooo EXTRA to me and you are lucky to meet a staff member who is genuine or who really cares about your well being. Some of the best lessons I’ve learned about life or moving forward were from people who were NOT educated or were going back to school after starting families or learning the HARD way. I am truly thankful for all of your insight.
Or you have people wanting to use “BIG” words (Fancy??)and I don’t mean speaking properly or like you are educated but just going over the top purposely so that people cannot understand you lol. Mind you I understand those “Big” words but sometimes I wish we could just speak regularly to one another like who are you trying to impress? On the other hand we paid to learn big words might as well use them.
“Whatever you want
It’s alright with me
‘Cause you’ve got that whip appeal
So work it on me
It’s better than love
Sweet as can be
You’ve got that whip appeal
So whip it on me”
Babyface is so fucking smooth! Not like these corny ass dudes who walk around with their hearts on their sleeves now and a smile and believe that they are actually doing something.What happened to guys like that?? I’m sure there are a few left but WHERE?? SMH My dating experiences have not been exactly THE BEST. For instance I have an ex that refuses to leave me alone. We broke up over 2 years ago. Give Up! We will never be friends again you will never have that “old” thing back. I noticed with the guys that have “dogged” me out in the past always wanna chat it up n be “friends” again and I’m so far past your asses. Truth is: Maybe we were never friends in the first place?? That’s why after the lust and crap is gone there’s nothing else there and for me I’m out.
Then another dilema I have is I’m trying to like the “good guys” I wouldn’t necessarily say I go for the “bad boy” type maybe just go for the guy who doesn’t want me. (damn shame but i am not alone in this) lol Annnnd maybe If the guys that liked me weren’t so corny =/ I wouldn’t have to do this! Deep down I know that I want the stand up guy just not what I’ve dealt with thus far. I know it’s ungrateful but that’s me and I need to be happy damn it.
Am I looking in the wrong places? I’m just not impressed my choice of guys right now. I refuse to settle anymore. I’m looking for a relationship with a good balance someone who compliments myself. I’ve been celibate for 7months now. It has been a challenge but I def don’t want to make a mistake with a lapse of judgement. I’ve been doing OK thus far. I have to say I loved being with myself and friends during this time.
The search continues
